Im 5’7” and 145.7 pounds.
To some, its an envious combination. To others, its slightly overweight.
To me, its something to get used to because six months ago, I would’ve cried seeing that number on a scale.
I used to live my life in numbers: the weight on my scale, the size of my jeans, the number of almonds I ate (exactly 17 a day, by the way), the total number of calories I consumed, thenumber of calories I burned, the ounces of chicken I ate and the minutes it took me to run five miles.
Ive never been good at math, but I was damn good at keeping a precise calculation of every single thing that went in my body.
I even measured out my vodka.
That was dedication, people. Or rather, it was an addiction.
It was an unwavering obsession rooted in the shallow fear of being fat.
I was completely imprisoned by my own thoughts and insecurities. The need to be skinny consumed my every thought and action.
That is, until a few months ago, whenI decided the whole “count every single calorie and run eight miles to burn off the cookie I ate at lunch today” lifestyle was making me exhausted and miserable, instead of secure and happy.
So, I quit being a skinny bitch, and Ive never been happier.
Here are the reasons why:
1. Ice cream is delicious.
Bacon cheeseburgers, sweet potato fries, burritos and barbecue chicken pizza (actually, any kind of pizza) are also incredibly delicious.
People whotell you they actually like the taste of kale smoothies are liars.
2. I was sick of the guilt.
Every time I steered away from what I perceived as healthy, I hated myself.
One piece of pizza was equal to at least one hour of standing in front of the mirror to make sure I didnt look bloated.
The immense guilt I used to feel after eating one cookie or half a bagel was so overwhelming, I felt like I had just cheated on my significant other.
Id spend my entire day wonderinghow I could counteract the one bad decision.
I would come up with excuses as to why it was okay, and then Id end up calling my mom to confess the act.
If I had a dollar for every time I told someone, I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerrys last night, I could pay off my student loans.
3. It was way too time-consuming.
Im okay with taking an hour or two out of my day to get in a good run, hike, cycling class or yoga session.
Please don’t think I’m not a huge advocate of a healthy lifestyle because I am.
But, it’s the obsession that’s unhealthy.
Iwasted so many hours of my life measuring tablespoons of almond butter and ounces of salmon.
I just wanted to eat a meal without needing to waste 10 minutes typing it into MyFitnessPal, just to make sure I hadnt gone over my calories for the day.
Of course, if I did, my iPhone wasted no time telling me I wasnt good enough.
4. Itraded my health for being skinny.
Eating two eggs whites on rye with spinach and then running 13 miles was how I stayed skinny.
5. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels is an abominable motto.
Like most teenage girls and women in their 20s, my daily routine is completely saturated by #fitspo.
Its abhorrent and degrading because we just can’t accept who we are.
We think, “Im doing everything this diet recommends. Im doing everything my trainer tells me to do. Im following this workout plan to the T. So why dont I look like that?”
When our results fall short of our expectations, we dont recognize how far weve come.
We don’t pat ourselves on the back and say good job. We dont applaud ourselves for giving it our best.
Instead, we chastise ourselves.
I should’ve run longer. I should’ve done one more sit up. I should’ve eaten one less banana.
There were days when I wished I could silencemy inner monologue. I think weve all been there.
As a woman, this makes me incredibly sad. We should never want to quiet our thoughts.
Our thoughts should be filled with self-love, respect and admiration.
6.I wanted to learn to love myself.
They say you cant love another person until you love yourself. Its true.
The obsessive insecurities Ive had about the way I look have hindered my happiness in every single one of my relationships.
I know Im not alone.
Iquit being a skinny bitch so I could, in fact, learn to love myself without reservation and what I perceived to be the perfect body.
Do you know what realization I came to?
Im pretty awesome, love handles and all.
And so are you.